Process Essay #1 I Do, I Did, I Don't

"Marriage, marriage is what brings us together today" -the Impressive Clergyman from the Princess Bride. Whoops stay on topic this is not an essay about the Princess Bride, although, one of my all time favorite movies. It's just every time I hear the word marriage I hear that silly little clergyman stating that line from the movie, ever so eloquently with his mouth full of cotton balls. Though I'm not a Princess by namesake it safe to say I've kissed my share of toads. I was even so silly as to married two of them and to quote one of my most favorite "Linisa-ism's" concerning marriage/divorce is "The number one leading cause of divorce is in fact, marriage."  Sadly, I can say I know a thing or three about marriage, and for my two failed marriages it seemed to involve three stages, the I Do stage, I Did stage, and the I Don't stage.

To explain the first stage of my experiences known as the I DO stage,  you should know,  I hung on every word this man child told me like it will be the last words I would ever hear. I believed every thing that came out of his mouth, even if I had to deceive my own heart of hearts to do so. My ears were deafened to the words of wisdom from my parents, friends, co-workers, all I could hear was his voice over and over. He intrigued me. Looking back on it all now, if my parents had not forbid me to see him I would have been over him on my own. I was falling for the rebel side of the idea of making my parents worry.  I found myself scrawling our names on any piece of paper I could doodle on. Then, with one felled swoop of the pen I wrote it down. I wrote my first name and his last name. I was going to marry this guy.  He played into it perfectly, just like the fox in the hen house. He turned himself into the victim and with my caregiver personality I said YES I do want to be your wife. I knew the I Do stage had been successful when I was walking down the aisle to kiss my toad. 

The I did, stage starts with the fairy tale not quite measuring up to my I Do stage expectations. Life gets involved and to the immature at heart I felt second to his job, when he had one, then his friends, and lastly his activities. It was the subtle small things at first that I missed. The sweet nothing that were once so desperately whispered in my ear  faded to black like the end of a movie. My friends became unusually absent from their normal involvement in my life and it's activities. I wont go out on weekends any longer, I will stay home while he goes out with the guys. Bad habits of alcohol for him turn into worse habits of drug use. I did choose this man, by doing so, this life is the result. Futile measure have me trying to change myself as if I'm the one that changed in the relationship. I attempt a workout routine, do some weird stuff to my hair, and may even try to wear clothing that isn't comfortable in any position, all to gain his attention back. But did I really want his type of attention anymore. Communication breaks down in ways I can't even talk about and turns to violence that now has left me broken inside and out.  Days of abuse turn into weeks, weeks turn into years, and years turn me into a shell of my former self. Feelings of silliness give way to worthlessness and it washes over me like water cascading from the fountain of youth I long to return to. I'm about to enter a stage of no return in my marriage, someone that pays attention to me steps in and here I am in my I did stage. Wondering, is there a future with him?

The "I don't" stage begins with me facing with the reality of divorce. I manage to utter, I don't love you any more. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't like the person you've have become. He fires back with a lame response, I don't know what your problem is. I don't know why you think I'm acting any different. I've acted this way for years. With bowed head and closed eyes, I softly whisper I don't want to be married to you any longer. The last thing I remember him saying was I don't want to live without you and then a gun shot. I awoke in my bed alone, again. I was dripping in sweat, my heart was racing so fast I couldn't count my pulse. He wasn't home yet and I needed to get out of the house before he arrived. I opened my night stand, found some old paper and looked for a blank page. There starring me in the face was my handwriting where years earlier I had written our names, my married name and the date we married. It took my breath away, but I knew this would be perfect ending. I turned it over and wrote the following: This is what I wrote before I said I do, the years of trying with you is my effort and is what I did, and as of today's date I'm all done and I don't want to be married any to you any longer. 

I can tell you after going through this not once but twice before I turned thirty five I was very hesitant as an adult to remarry for a third time. I can tell you I took some time to get to know me. I'm a pretty cool person. I have a personality, that when allowed to shine, shines with the brightest of them! I am capable of being anything I want to be by myself.  I met and fell in love for real in February 2002. I do, I proudly promised in Aug 2004 because I did find the man of my dreams, after my line of toads and I don't ever intend on losing him.